supermassive bright moon

gyal: imagine seeing something so beautiful, then dying straight after.

bwoi: like what?
gyal: like... a full moon, a super bright full moon
bwoi: hmm, yh
gyal: would it be beautiful, or a tragedy?
bwoi: depends on how you see it.

he: your eyes are beautiful
me: thanks
me 2: they say your eyes are the windows to your soul. what do you think of that?
me: well, i'm still tryna figure out what a soul is and if it even exists.

her phone flashes at the corner of her left eye, but she feels empty. she replies to the message and prolongs the last word at a steady speed. she likes the way the buttons sound when one ear is on the pillow. muted. she turns to face upwards. the buttons sound terrible again. the person behind the counter thinks she looks like someone who wants to smile but can't.

continued?

she didn't wanna talk to professionals.
she was scared of what they'd say.
diagnosed with sadness -
stood still
thinking all day

welcome to depression?

what is depression?
everyone always talks about it.
'i've been through it'
'it's the worst'

but how would she know if she was THIS,
if she always felt a certain way.
THAT certain way.
always sad.

she thought: maybe you only know that you were THAT once you're out of that stage.
THAT phase.
but she's been sad for so long.
when will she be out of that stage,
THAT phase?

--

questions for god (if he exists):

on the day of judgement,

you will proceed to question me,

but i will cut in...


why didn't you show us a clear sign you existed?

why did you give us free will, then make us believe?

why did you make us hate each other?

why was i born into a muslim family?



after this,

i will demand i get into heaven,

because you have wronged me in so many ways.

and it was too late for you to fix it in that life,

so fix it now, bitch.

sorry, g.

he picks her up from the bus stop now.
but everything he says infuriates her.


sorry i never wanted to be a doctor
sorry i don't ever wanna go to uni
sorry i have two shitty jobs
sorry i like to go out a lot
sorry i like to stay out late
sorry i don't like to be home for long
sorry i can't speak bengali properly
sorry i'm not more 'asian'
sorry i dress like a boy
sorry i don't eat animals
sorry i say what i mean
sorry i like to use my left hand sometimes
sorry i don't believe in god.

AFTERNOON // EVENING

AFTERNOON /

her face is red,              
her body is beyond bruised.                                                        
she's burning herself more,                                                        
but she's happier than she's been in a long while.                      

(new relationship)
(veganism)
(pain feels nice)
(this won't last)


/ EVENING

she doesn't wanna write too much
because she knows he is reading.

don't ask her what's wrong.

little things upset her so much. so so much.

i'm fine.

pushed into a corner
always having to lie to her parents
you'd have thought they'd have learnt from their first child
to not push someone over the edge
to allow more freedom

muslim girl.
they got that wrong.
parenthood.
they got that wrong, too.

home - the place where you can be yourself...
not for her.
she didn't belong to her parents anymore
she didn't belong anywhere

overdosing never looked so easy.

i gotta lotta cheese award

she listens to 'everything i am' as her parents argue in the background. she thinks to herself how arthouse the situation is. the piano - so happy and simple. the raging - so consistent and loud.

more juxtaposition - the sun is out in london.

HBD sweetie/lisa

it was her sister's birthday. they were cutting cake. laughing. but all she wanted to do was be in her room listening to kanye.

her favourite kanye song is 'welcome to heartbreak'. - wanting to be successful but not wanting to miss out on important shit. 

she kinda wanted to miss these family events more than she didn't. 

they never listened to her. she was only the joker. they didn't know her. 

her deepness was not to be taken as a joke, just know.

she wondered: would she regret the time she wasn't spending with her family?

there were no excuses, since there was no success.

she pressed play.
her mind started to disappear.
she couldn't concentrate when music was playing.
selective memory -
she only remembered the thoughts she would later write up on this blog.
important stuff.

left is good.

she could only dream on her left side.

turn right and she'd be hit with a wall.
the dreaming stopped.
blankness.
mind block.
suffocation.

but she could only fall asleep on this side.
the right side.

why was it that she could only dream on her left side, but fall asleep on her right?

why do her parents still force her to use her right hand when eating?

left is good, though. left is good.
demon.

she thought she saw her mother talking to herself. but she was just praying.
wait, isn't that the same thing?