tbc

she felt trapped.
like the songs her sister played on repeat.

she felt trapped.
like the leaves trying to push past the gate.

she felt trapped.
like the dead fox between the branches.

she felt trapped.
like the people who believed in the hereafter.

she felt trapped.
like her parents' marriage.

she felt trapped.
like the thoughts she tried to suppress.

she felt trapped.
like the freedom she longed to have.

two days in a row now that someone else was sitting on her seat on the bus. she sits on her second favourite seat. no comparison. she thinks to herself: if this happens again tomorrow, it will be a sign. a sign that change is needed. or that change is happening.

her father, so scared of losing her, would apologise even when she was in the wrong.
her mother, so scared of losing it, would keep him even though they were trapped.

read between the lines...

if you read what she was writing, you'd see the word 'sad' a lot. her keyboard can even clarify that the letter 's' is most popular. it had dirt marks around it.

her hands were nearly always sweaty. she wanted to hold his hand but what's the point when you have to wipe them on your jeans first before you can?

read between the lines. why did she rarely use capital letters? why didn't she put a full stop there? why did she double space that paragraph?

why didn't you care when you should have?

428395 (numbers)

she has 4 days to become a full vegan. 4 days til her vegetarian tablets run out. 4 days til she'll start taking the vegan tablets that she bought about 30 days ago. 3 stickers on her laptop - 1 band logo, 1 animal rights one, and 1 promoting veganism. she has 4 days to become a full vegan. or the sticker would have to come off. she didn't want to take the sticker off. great reason.

ber pointless

she's so tired but the laptop won't let her sleep. all these pointless tabs open, like all the pointless conversations she's had today. like all the shit she's doing that she says will help her get further in life but probably won't. all these pointless jobs. all these pointless courses.

she's in denial.

maybe, man

she sits on the bus and recalls the stressful day she had at work. she thinks about how both her jobs are stressful and how easy it would be to quit them. she wants to do other things. she wants to pursue her dreams before it's too late. she doesn't have the money to take time off, however. this makes her sad. again.

she's off the bus. she realises she's listening to frank ocean. he's probably the most played artist on her ipod. he always makes her cry. she's walking home fast. she's sad. she's teary. next moment she's happy and singing along. next moment she's sad. and then she is happy. she wonders why this happens all the time.

she wants to talk to someone about this, but not a professional.

maybe she should just stop listening to frank ocean. but she doesn't want to. maybe she doesn't want to get better. maybe she'll always be sad.

childhood found

her brother's friend from america got some sweets back for him. she took each flavour from the starburst packet. the yellow one - lemon. could it be the sweet she craved all her life, but couldn't find after the age of 8?. it was. she bit into it. wow. childhood found. she goes onto google: 'was there ever a yellow starburst in england/uk?' she was right all along. the sweet she thought didn't even exist, really did. the taste she thought was only a dream, was not. orange was her favourite from the uk version. yellow is her all time favourite.

me: has the spider gone?
sister: yh, he's gone out.

they spoke as if the spider was their brother.


we are all animals. we are all humans.

pomegranate tea

she liked the pattern on the arizona ice tea bottle so she decided to cut it out. the scissors hit into her index finger on her right hand. she cut things with her left. there was no blood. but the cut was deep. just like her tears. nothing came out. but inside she was burning. like the dream she had the other day when she was told there was a hell. she stopped cutting and walked to her sister. her sister was too busy reading to care. she always read. but never wrote. she had ambitions. but never did. she walked back to put a plaster on the unhurt but wounded finger. she continued to cut around the bottle. she stopped. she was a hoarder. she threw the bottle in the bin.

.. TRUTH DON DIE!

her walls were painted with posters, photos, postcards and canvases of the truth.

her family were blinded by the not so obvious contradiction.

they didn't want to know.

but they do know.

the whole truth.

the truth was peeping out of her mouth more and more everyday.

she's vegan now.

but that's not all she is.

or isn't, even.

and soon they will know the whole truth.

MORE POETRY IS NEEDED

she regretted that she didn't take a picture of the billboard that stated: 'More poetry is needed.'

it would have been a great intro to her instagram.

there's always next time.

but the time was then. and she missed it.

a family of three bruddaz

a family of three brothers.

the eldest - the protector. looked out for the younger two. was never angry. wanted to help better his siblings. make them into something their mother would be proud of. she was proud of him. the protector.

the middle - loved to give hugs. loved his fish: sally, claus and TITI. she always laughed at that name. he never understood why. he will grow up to be handsome.

the youngest - the freest spirit she had ever met. never stood in one position. always on the go. reminded her of herself. reminded her that she could be even more free. she would encourage his behaviour. they got along well. his mother adored him. she nurtured him. never allowed him to feel strange or out of place.

a good mother. a great one.

a dot in the clouds. it followed her. she'd been watching is for so long now. but she wasn't bored.

did it know she was staring at it? and was anyone else staring at it at the same moment in which she was? was their perception of it different from hers? or was it the same? maybe to her it looked more beautiful. at that moment, anyway.

stare at it for too long without blinking and it's almost as if it's gonna grab you through the window and take you with it.

it started to get bigger. the clouds were turning a lighter grey. the sun was out now.

she was enamoured by the raindrops on the window. the way they spontaneously connected to each other to win the race together. team work. true friendship.

numberero sombrero une dos tres taka rapa res

for so long she was sad, but today she noticed he was too.

before - she hung out with him because she missed him.
then - she hung out with him in fear of missing out on opportunities.
now - she hangs out with him just because she wants to.


for so long she was sad, but today it turned into a different type of sadness.
this time the sadness was subtle.

maybe this period of her life was also ending.

maybe it was closure

that special 'friend'

a good day. had it's highlights.

but it was ending.

they were back. 

back at it again.

once again she was sad.

why did she let it happen. again. 

she was weak. 

that's the reason

it's always the reason.

she found out:

girl: so, does it affect my emotions?
doctor: yes
girl: even with the medicine?
doctor: yes.

not what she wanted to hear.

acting normal,

they were at it again.
acting normal.
the laughing,
the pretending
that everything was okay.

give it a couple of months and they'll be at IT again.
the real normal.
the fighting,
the pretending
that everything would be okay.

he'd ask to leave.
she'd say 'go'.
he'd pack his bags
but then plead 'no'.

they'll be at it again, though.
acting normal.
the laughing,
the pretending
that everything was okay.

sometimes she felt like jimmy fallon, laughing when she didn't have to or want to. accommodating her company just to avoid any awkwardness.

a great host.

-
a great host
a fake host
laughed more than most
at dead jokes

didn't get a date with nicole kidman.

popz

her father frequently tried to make an effort with her.
but he wasn't around enough for her to care.
she often even forgot he was in the house.

she, moods she swings -

she didn't want any more medicine and she didn't want to talk to anyone about it either.

she just wanted to understand why she would go from up to down so sharply.
so quickly.
so randomly.

her family mistook it for anger and moodiness.

her friends mistook it for weirdness and excitement.

she, she didn't know what it was.

she needed to find out.

no kiss.

she walked half way up the stairs, but turned back.

she knew she'd regret going to bed on bad terms with her mum.
she knew she'd regret going to bed without saying goodnight to her.

'Goodnight.'

no kiss.

IMPERATIVEz

manager: be on time

me: i'll try my best

manager: no, you'll be on time, won't you?

me: look, i don't believe in that, i'll try my best, man, chill.

manager: well if you're not on time tomorrow, then you won't have a job.

me: well, what if i die and i just told you i WILL be on time, then what? 

manager: ...

me: the word 'will' is like a promise. and i don't like to say shit that i'm not so sure of.

manager: ... see you tomorrow

me: ... hopefully.

she couldn't understand how her best friend could be enjoying the same moment in which she wasn't. was she really having fun, or was she just faking it? she thought she was pretending but didn't say anything. in fact, she knew she was lying, but entertained her nonetheless. she loved her, and she'd try her best not to let on she wasn't enjoying her time there. maybe her best friend knew. but she, too, said nothing. they entertained each other.

her mum walked into the room. she talked 'important stuff' with her sister. she then walked back to Pinks and kissed her. she did this because she knew her daughter was losing love for her.

Pinks didn't move. she didn't smile. she didn't return the kiss. she just didn't care.

maybe her mother should have kissed her when she still cared.


maybe her friend should have cared before she stopped caring.

Confessions Part II

she goes to the kitchen to make something to eat.

her mum asks her why she didn't brush her hair today. in bengali everything sounds aggressive and stupid.

she hates stupidity so lashes out.

her big sister is home. she tells her to fix her attitude.

she fights back. 

everyone jumps in.

'SHE DIDN'T TAKE HER MEDICINE' they chant. 

her mother, always one to chat shit, explains that the doctors told her that her daughter's emotions will always be dodgy. 

that's a lie.

i don't recall this.

how and why did her mother bring it up now? 

to fit in. to be on the same side as her other children.

she's had enough.

she walks out of the kitchen slowly, goes through the living room. closes the door normally. not to cause a scene.

she walks up the stairs. 

the tears are back.

she sits at her laptop and opens photobooth to watch herself cry. why did she do this?

she laughs to herself - how funny it is that this happened yesterday and she also wrote about it. 

I BELIEVE IN THE MOON // I'D BE WORRIED IF YOU DIDN'T

the sun had set.
this time she looked to the moon for answers.
god hadn't helped her ever
but she still looked up to the sky.
it was crying now,
like her,
always.

LEVOTHYROXINE DA TING

she hated that they brought up her illness every time she was angry or moody.

'DID YOU TAKE YOUR MEDICINE TODAY?'
'YES I FUCKING DID!'

she'd get even angrier. it didn't help her case. but she hadn't cared about what her family thought for years now.

these days, when faced with this degrading question, she wouldn't respond. but all the time, she'd be crying inside.

if only they knew.

it was a constant reminder that her emotions weren't in fact hers. was anything she ever felt real? did she TRULY feel anything, truly?

maybe that's the reason she was so temperamental. maybe that's why she felt so much.

she thought maybe she should actually stop taking the medicine. maybe this way she could truly feel. this way she could truly be herself?

R-LD

In the midst of the crowd of dirty men, four girls emerged. They obviously didn't belong there. - The Red-Light District.

They briskly walked past the rush of middle-aged men picking out their next treat. The girls tried to explain their anger to their naive friend who was unbeknownst to what was going on.

The naive friend slowed down and peered into a window. 'Slut' - the word easily rolled off her tongue. She wasn't a frequent user of this word, but she felt the need to shout it tonight. She didn't exactly know why she said it as well, but she soon realised that it didn't give her the satisfaction she craved. She was now just like the rest of them. Men.

She felt disgusted. So she quickly apologised silently to herself as if somehow telepathy existed and the woman behind the glass would be able to comprehend and accept her apology.

She walked faster now to catch up to her friends. She wondered what they would think if they ever found out how much of a contradiction she was.

she sits on the floor. it's comfortable. she messages people she shouldn't really care about. she thinks to herself: 'why do i care so much'. she always wonders this.